Trump Orders Gold Stars Be Worn to Remember Synagogue Victims

President Trump has ordered that all Jewish US citizens must immediately wear gold stars in remembrance of the 11 victims killed in the Tree of Life synagogue shooting in Pittsburgh last week.

The president issued a proclamation, which says gold stars must be visible at all times, last night after returning from a rally where he spoke at length about violence against the Jewish people.

Rally attendees beamed with optimism over the president’s concern with Jewish-Americans.

“It’s beautiful that the president would honor the Jews like this,” said Gail Whitlock, an attendee from Warren, Mich. “When we see them with the stars, we will know to treat them special. I’d even volunteer to stitch badges on their overcoats.”

“Sending his personal armed guards to look after them at synagogues shows the level of care the president has for the Jewish people in our country,” Whitlock said.

In order to receive a gold star, all Jews must report to a temporary protection facility. They will also sign a registry to assist intelligence agencies in tracking movement, mapping social circles, and tracing family lineage, all intended to build a comprehensive “kindness database” for each individual Jew.

“The Jewish community must know America is watching their back,” White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said in a statement. “Jews will have food, jobs, and access to some of the nation’s most innovative doctors at these centers.”

Volunteers will also distribute fresh wool pajamas to each Jew and collect all of their personal belongings so that nothing gets misplaced during their honoring.