Clams: the Sluts of the Ocean

The animal kingdom presents many mysteries to science, but none more than the creatures of the ocean. However, thanks to a North Carolina State University research team, one such mystery, the clam, has been solved.

“Clams are just crazy for clam cock,” according to lead researcher David Coyne.

Indigenous to North America, Japan, Italy, and India, the hard-shelled clam has attained the status of “sluts drunk on clam cum” after many years of empirically observed loose morals and wanton, spread-eagled depravity on the part of these indecent molluscs. Researchers have observed a distasteful display of clam harlots laying prostrate before any potential mate.

“Although many sea creatures enjoy sexual reproduction,” Coyne says, “as we observed clams reproduce, we found that there is nothing these tawdry sea whores won’t try at least once, and probably more, because the gaping, dick-munching clam just can’t get enough of the slutty clam-on-clam pounding it craves.”

You name it, clams are into it. The bigger question for clam-sex science is what doesn’t inflame the insatiable erotic desires of the filthy, filthy clam. Coral, other sea life, sand, even random junk that falls off a ship—the cum-breathing trollop clam has tried to fuck it. “In a clam’s depraved mind,” according to Coyne, “everything is an excuse for a clam to get fucked and fucked good.”

“I have witnessed a clam riding another clam while trying to fuck a clam riding another clam,” Coyne says.

The effects of so much clam sluttery are becoming too big to ignore. “The shear force generated from the perpetual sex of a sloppy clam orgy is enough to topple boats.” The coast of Northern Florida is still reeling from a disaster wrought by the sleazy slut-bag clams last week. Waves were reported to reach up to a 14-foot face. With a clam able to produce twice its body weight in hot clam love juice twice a day, scientists fear these clam tsexnamis could become even more dangerous. “If all the clams came together and then fucked, sucked and cucked each other, which they surely would,” warns Coyne, “the entire Eastern Seaboard would be at risk from one big tidal clam-squirt wave.”

The clam, it seems, has no shame.