Guards Dump Queen’s Body Behind Palace

At 3:18 PM GMT today, in accordance with British royal tradition, two palace guards stuffed the body of Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, into a household waste sack and threw it into a nondescript dumpster in the alley outside the royal residence just behind a nearby Tesco grocery store.

The two guards, who are specially trained in Queen disposal by city of London waste management authorities, carefully dragged the lifeless Elizabeth II through the palace hallways, down several flights of stairs, and into the alley. They then picked it up and, on the count of three, lobbed it into the dumpster.

A tearful Prince Charles, who now becomes King at the age of 73, spoke briefly to reporters in front of the dumpster adjacent to the Tesco parking lot. “My mother ruled with determination and great character,” the Prince said. “I shall cherish every day God saw fit to keep her with us.”

“The nation can take solace in how the Queen’s passing has touched so many,” said Prime Minister Liz Truss, adding that world leaders had been expressing their condolences throughout the day. “In life, Queen Elizabeth gave selflessly to the nation and the world,” Truss said. “In death, she will be remembered for her devotion to tradition and the dignity of the crown.”

The Queen’s body will lie in state until next week’s rubbish collection day.