Starbucks Releases ‘Fuck Everyone’ Holiday Cups

Following years of controversial holiday cup releases, Starbucks has finally found a way to satisfy all its customers. The chain’s new 2018 holiday theme, “Fuck Everyone,” will be featured on all Starbucks cups through the end of December.

“In recent years, our Holiday Cups have unintentionally offended some of our customers, and this is not acceptable,” Joy Stephens, VP of Marketing at Starbucks said. “That’s why I’m proud to announce that this year, we’re giving a big ‘fuck you’ to all our customers.”

The new cup says “fuck all of you” in over fifty languages, and the Starbucks mermaid logo is featured on the cups giving two middle fingers.

The company is also rolling out a new in-store experience called the “Get Especially Fucked Station,” where Baristas will throw scalding hot coffee from the new cups directly into the faces of any customers who complain about the holiday promotion, regardless of race, creed, or religion.

Although it’s too early to gauge public response to the new promotion, Starbucks has already begun planning their 2019 holiday cups, which are rumored to feature tiny, robotic hands that will, according to Stephens, “emerge from each cup to pre-slap the bullshit out of a customer’s stupid mouth” faster than they can file a grievance.