Amazon to Deliver Condoms Straight to Your Penis

In January, Amazon will introduce a drone-based condom delivery service that will unwrap and unroll select condom brands directly onto the penises of customers prior to sexual intercourse.

The service, an extension of the e-commerce giant’s many years of successful delivery of dildos, anal beads and fleshlights through the “Amazon Prime Now” program, was months in development with the company’s tech team.

According to TechCrunch, which broke the news, “Amazon’s engineers believe they’ve cracked the algorithm for drone response to the critical 20-second window during foreplay, when Prime members realize the time is right to put on a condom.”

Customers will press a penis icon on the Amazon App, and the Amazon drone in closest proximity will deliver the customer’s pre-selected condom choice and rapidly unfurl it on the penis. A “shared” service is available, in which the same drone is dispensed to two penises in the same vicinity, for a discounted price.

If Alexa integration is selected, the drone will hover close by after delivery, offering scintillating comments during the sex act such as, “You like each other,” and “The humans are copulating.” Sensors will determine when intercourse is complete and then the drone will descend on the genitals and detach the condom. In beta testing, only 6 percent of penises were torn off or shredded during this process.

Amazon’s next step is to deliver IUDs to women. Slated for 2020, this service will send drones deep inside customer’s vaginas, placing the IUD properly in the cervix. Said TechCrunch, “The drone will inspect the area, disinfect it, and then insert the device. An add-on will provide a live feed from your sex organs so you can share the experience on social media.”

The drones will save and analyze each customer’s genetic data, which will become the property of Amazon.