In the wake of Republicans’ planned phaseout of ObamaCare, Americans of all infections and pestilence will now have the opportunity to receive free medical advice from Barack Obama. The former president announced today he is committed to offering Affordable Care Act enrollees text-based healthcare via direct messages on Twitter. He will also offer help navigating policy changes to the ACA and tips for getting the best rates.
“It sounds like your symptoms point to a skin rash or cancer. It’s best to avoid fast food for a while,” Obama wrote to his first patient, Ronald Seichendt, 56, who consulted with Obama because he was unsure if the $500 copay under his current policy required him to pay $500 to the receptionist, or if the doctor and medical assistant would pay him $500 for looking at his skin.
“I wouldn’t worry too much. It’s medicine.” Obama said in a later message to a chronic kidney disease sufferer, this time in a video in which he wore a lab coat, stethoscope, and head mirror.
“Obama broke it down in a way that a primary doctor just can’t,” Alexandra LaJoye of Austin, TX, tweeted after exchanging DMs with the former president. “He said I have 25% AIDS and maybe 75% infant respiratory distress syndrome, so I can’t be denied comprehensive collision coverage for pre-existing conditions. It’s good to understand my options.”
Obama said he plans to continue to dispense complimentary medical advice to all Americans until the ACA’s Sec. 2501 (2)(c) sunset clause is activated, which will require every American to pay a $3500 service fee to avoid peak pricing on expensive outpatient subsidies used for qualifying life events, irrespective of pre-existing conditions or any particular HSAs or HOAs pertinent to a diagnosis from a certified medical stenographer.
UPDATED AT 10:57 A.M.
Due to the high volume of inquiries in an hour, Obama announced he will no longer offer nuanced, text-heavy responses
UPDATED AT 11:12 A.M
Obama has terminated the program.