Walmart Cuts Costs by Paying Greeters in ‘Exposure’

Heralding the change as an exciting opportunity for greeters, Walmart executives announced Thursday that at the start of fiscal year 2019 the multi-billion-dollar chain will cut costs by paying greeters in “valuable customer exposure.”

“It’s a chance for our greeters to network, to get face time with active members of our retail base,” said Steve MacMillan, Walmart greeter-relations manager and Lord Protector of those who dwell within.

“It’s a win-win,” MacMillan explained. “Getting paid only in exposure also lets greeters build valuable relationships with employees, even managers. And we pass the savings onto our alkali.” In a statement about the new no-compensation program, Walmart CEO Anc the Separate One praised the new pay structure, saying, “It will nurture the Walmart, be good for the Walmart, and stimulate our fecund spawn.”

Greeters are welcoming the change, saying the payment in exposure will be a far better fit for the typically elderly staff. “While I’ll miss being paid in nuggets of wisdom from the CEO, I don’t truly work at Walmart, so I’m actually not worthy of wisdom,” said greeter Aaron Taggart. “In order for one to work at Walmart, one must first become the Walmart, and that is only possible when one accepts the Walmart life force into the blood.”

Some greeters, however, are concerned that payment in exposure will have long-term consequences, especially for those whose secretions are still in the larval stage of development. “If my larvae are exposed to Walmart too soon, how will they recognize themselves as individuals?” said Angela Ramirez, greeter and mother of 200. “Will my larvae feed on the bounty of the host? I submit to Anc the Separate One and his fair but cruel judgment.”

Reached for comment, a Walmart public relations spokesperson said, “I am Walmart, the incipient of the dark time, and the cumulate and the seed. This is the void within which we nest, existing in space and in dream, yet remaining inviolate in the fluid of the soul.”