Have you ever wondered if the life you know is crumbling apart? Have you ever felt like the passion you felt is no longer there? I certainly have.
My name is Mark Richardson. My wife Stacy and I had been married for 5 years and, to be honest, things had not been going well. We had been growing apart and just didn’t have that same spark. She was even saying she didn’t want children anymore. Really the only moments we enjoyed together was watching Tom Hanks movies.
I was worried the marriage was doomed unless something drastic happened. You could say I was waiting for a miracle.
One evening after a particularly hard day at work, I drove up to my home and noticed a tall handsome man walking out of the front door holding a bag. As I pulled in the driveway I was stunned to see that it was Tom Hanks taking out the trash at my house! I immediately jumped out of the car and ran up to shake his hand.
“Oh my god. Oh my sweet god! I am such a huge fan!” I exclaimed. “Thank you!” Tom replied. “Why are you at my house?” I asked, in shock. “Oh, Ha! Right. This must be very confusing. I was just having sex with your wife, Stacy.” Tom said, smiling warmly.
I was taken back. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I ran as fast as I could into my house. Through the front door, past the living room, and into our bedroom…
There she was, too exhausted to speak, hair completely tousled, body covered in sweat, and clutching a cigarette in her right hand. Odd, considering she had never smoked before in her life. I could tell by looking at her that this was the happiest she had ever been. I asked “Did you just get woodied by fucking Tom Hanks?” She reached for her phone and texted “yes” in her notes and showed me. I fell to my knees. With tears in my eyes. My voice shaking, I said to her “Stacy, that is single-handedly, by far, the most fucking cool thing that has ever happened to me.”
At that moment Tom walked in the bedroom, picked me up off the floor, and gave me the warmest hug I’ve ever felt. “Thank you. Thank you so much Tom Hanks.” I said into his ear, tears gushing onto his collared shirt. “How about I go get some pizza and a few beers and we’ll watch the Chargers game?” Tom proposed. “Yes” my wife and I replied, simultaneously. This was the moment I knew Tom Hanks was my new best friend. My only friend, really.
Stacy and I got our spark back. All thanks to Tom Hanks’ gump-fucking my wife better than she’d ever experienced previously. After thanking him, I watched as Tom said to me sincerely that he’d be glad to do it for me anytime. Not wanting to miss a good opportunity, I said “How does twice a week sound?” Tom was thrilled with my offer. He even said I could watch.
Stacy had also decided that she wanted children after all. She said that Hanks DNA being on the table changed everything. Or in her words, “The man’s spunk is gold.”
And you know, my friends think I’m getting shit on. Calling me “Cuck Richardson.” But the truth is they can fuck off cuz Tom Hanks fucked my wife so goddamn good that it has turned my crumbling marriage around and changed my life for the better. Tom Hanks, award winning Hollywood actor, plowed my wife so exquisitely that she has decided not to leave me after all. I owe my happiness to that man and will be honored to raise his offspring.
We are naming the child Tom Hanks 2.
