More Busy Executives Are Saving Time by Shitting in Their Pants Standing Up

In today’s ever-changing business landscape, corporations are always focused on finding new ways to promote efficiency at the office. That’s why a growing number of CEOs and senior managers are extending the amount of time they can spend on important tasks by eliminating bathroom breaks by simply shitting in their pants whenever nature calls.

“I’m a busy man. I can’t be running off to some other room every time I need to defecate,” explained Pfizer CEO Ian Read, who claims he’s now twice as productive as he was before he began shitting his pants wherever he happened to be standing.

Mary Barra, Chairwoman and CEO of General Motors, says that shitting at will up has changed the way she interacts with clients.

“I no longer need to excuse myself to use the restroom during critical meetings. I stay on top any business without missing a beat. How? I just unload a meaty log in my pants without leaving my desk.”

Barra recently hosted a delegation of Chinese automakers in her office to discuss the ramifications of a foreign trade deal. The Asian executives reportedly saw the benefit in the trend. While in attendance, each one shat in their pants, praising American ingenuity.

Some executives, such as Apple CEO Tim Cook, aren’t prepared to forego all bathroom rituals in the interest of time. “It’s a smart idea,” he began, but he said the trend has gone too far. “Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I prefer to drop my pants and squat first, leaving a steaming pile shit on the office floor.”

“We just had our best quarter in years,” he added.

While CEOs are credited with popularizing the trend, it isn’t just for those at the top of the corporate ladder. According to Amazon Warehouse Associate Dean Haldegeld, “I’ve been shitting on the job for years.”