Education Department to Integrate Shootings into School Curriculum

After several recent gun-violence incidents across the country succeeded in preparing kids for a future rife with active-shooter scenarios, Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos is expected to announce a new program today that will incorporate routine school shootings into the American public school curriculum.

“At a time when campus rampages happen every week, local districts need to upgrade to the modern age, and adapt to these compelling homicidal trends in public education,” DeVos said in a statement.

According to the proposed plan, public schools will hold special assemblies in coming weeks where armed and untrained students will be encouraged to open fire on their peers in a deadly mass-shooting exercise. After several minutes of violent turmoil, visiting S.W.A.T. agents will neutralize the shooter. Those blood-drenched few left alive after the demonstration will gain valuable experience in the kind of slaughter they’ll face in real life.

“This program could not be more relevant today,” Des Moines school board member Lawrence Mallick, 53, says. “If every young adult has the same opportunity to be ripped apart by a spray of high-calibre, military-style ammunition, then that’s a win for education in this country.”

Analysts expect the compulsory spilling of schoolchildren’s blood will raise the US gun death toll to the highest levels in history, elevating our schools to the top of lethal academic programs internationally.