PBS Funding Cuts Forcing More Muppets into Porn

I’m standing near the pool of a low-slung house in the heart of the San Fernando Valley. I’ve bummed a cigarette from one of the camera operators on set and I’m cooling my heels for what promises to be and uncomfortable conversation.

The discreet euphemism of “independent film” was bandied about a lot while arranging this interview, but everyone associated with the production knows what’s really being filmed here: hardcore pornography. Alone, this fact isn’t newsworthy. Another skin flick being shot in the Valley is hardly a reason to travel 3,000 miles. However, the star of this particular production—Cookie M.—is noteworthy.

Cookie has asked me to conceal his last name to protect his reputation. He doesn’t want to further embarrass friends and family who’ve already put up with Cookie’s high-profile addiction to baked chocolate-chip deserts. But mostly, he’s hoping to keep his current line of work a secret from his former employer, Children’s Television Workshop, for whom he one day hopes to work again.

“Me get paid good,” a disheartened Cookie says, his two googly eyes struggling to meet my gaze. “But me not proud.”

Cookie has been through a shameful career slide, but not an uncommon one. Just a few short years ago—before he was forced to pound bright blue fur against glistening flesh for money—he could count on a steady paycheck from the Corporation For Public Broadcasting and viewers like you. Then came the budget cuts. After first suffering the indignity of a public stint in rehab, Cookie was compelled by CPB Legal Affairs, under pressure from the Obama Administration, to publically promote not just the crumbly delicacy to which he was addicted, but fruits and vegetables as well. With his popularity waning as a result, the all-to-predictable bottom of this slide is that Cookie, along with many other muppets, have been compelled to earn a living by selling their soft, pliable bodies.

“Me used to stuff mouth with cookies,” he lamented. “Now me have to stuff mouth with pussy.”

He added, “Sometimes cock, if price right.”

Muppet after muppet I spoke to shared a similar story. After years of receiving the plump paychecks and notoriety synonymous with public broadcasting, many found themselves suddenly shut out of the industry and unable to afford their pricey homes in the chic Sesame Street district of Brooklyn. Many made the trek to Los Angeles only for the rude awakening that here on the unforgiving nights wandering Wilshire Boulevard, skills such as spelling and empathizing with disabled children are in little demand.

One such performer, a be-fanged and cape-wearing muppet with a strong Transylvanian accent who asked to be called Derek, said he began starring in a series of barley legal casting-couch videos after he fell behind on his castle’s mortgage.

“First it was just one video!” he said. “Then two videos! Then three videos! Then 43! Now I can’t even look at myself. Ha! Ha! Ha!”

Many of these performers are clearly victims of a predatory adult entertainment industry that seeks to take advantage of desperate muppets in order to feed a thriving pansexual-furry-fetish demographic. But others refuse to be exploited by the industry.

Bert and Ernie, two former Sesame Street roommates and non-monogamous, bisexual lovers, are doing things on their own terms. The pair has started their own independent, progressive adult film studio emphasizing ethical, sex-positive muppet porn.

“We’ve seen friends—good friends of ours—fall prey to this industry and be destroyed by it,” Ernie told me during a meeting at his North Hollywood office, describing how his friend Snuffleupagus hanged himself in 2007 after being coerced into doing a series obscene trunk-play videos with Abby Cadabby.

“So we decided we’re going to do this the right way,” Bert interjected. “The actors are paid well and the films are never exploitive. It’s all done in a very tasteful way. And of course, all our actors use condoms, despite the fact that we have rounded abdomens with no orifices or sexual organs of any kind.”

“Safety is paramount. We never want the letters of the day to be H, I, or V.” Ernie soberly added. “Grover learned that lesson the hard way.”

Ethical concerns aside, one thing seems clear. With PBS funding unlikely to be restored under the present administration, porn will remain these muppets’ best, if not only, option.

That’s the somber conclusion Cookie has already reached.

“Me just so sad,” he says while sitting poolside, a single tear matting down his fur and a 9-inch strap-on visible through his robe. “Me never though career end up this way. Maybe Snuffleupagus had right idea.”

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