4 in 10 Americans Fail to Thank Troops Before Sex

Researchers at the Sexual Health and Psychology Department at Northwestern University announced the results of a national survey today revealing that 39 percent of Americans, the lowest number in a decade, do not take a moment to honor our fighting men and women for their service prior to engaging in sexual activity.

“Our data shows that nearly 4 in 10 Americans have sex without pausing to recognize the reservists marching through the sweltering deserts of Iraq, the Marines engaged with Shabab militants in Somalia, or even the two U.S. troops killed in the recent raid in Nangarhar province in eastern Afghanistan, all of whom protect our ability to safely and securely enjoy sex in our homes,” said Eric Cowan, the department’s spokesperson.

According to the survey, among the 39 percent who choose not to thank the troops, 18 percent admit they fail to place their hand over their heart and sing the national anthem prior to oral sex, and 10 percent fail to remove their hat before masturbating.

Most alarmingly, during foreplay, six percent of Americans openly support ISIS.

“These findings illustrate that as patriotism declines among the American public, it erodes the patriotism that has long existed in patriots’ bedrooms,” Cowan said. “More and more Americans can’t even pause a moment before climaxing to remember the heroes of SEAL Team 6 who conducted the bin Laden raid.”

Cowan went on to state that of the 61 percent of Americans who do thank the troops before intercourse, the majority do so by writing letters, preparing care packages, or watching patriotic films like Hacksaw Ridge before finally initiating sex. But he cautions such meager gestures are no cause for optimism.

“If our country takes the military out of the bedroom the same way we’ve taken Christ out of Christmas, we’re looking at an escalation in the War on Sex,” he explained. Cowan further warned that if these trends continue, he will advise President Trump to sign an executive order mandating the quartering of troops in the nation’s marital beds.