Good News: Active Shooters Increase Prayer in Schools

Americans need look no further than public education to see how far the country has abandoned its principles. From taking God out of the Pledge of Allegiance to banning corporal punishment, reversing the moral decay plaguing our schools can seem impossible.

But a new Duke University study provides a glimmer of hope.

Researchers have discovered a strong correlation between the rate of prayer and the frequency of active shooter incidents on school grounds.

“The data shows conclusively that kids in school who are shot at pray more,” lead researcher Dr. Byron Gellemed says. “And this new science provides a sound basis for lawmakers and other leaders who believe in the power of prayer to be thankful for the increased rate of school shootings in our country.”

The compelling data inspired North Carolina State Representative Preston Crawford to introduce new legislation expanding the number of school shootings, which he says will bring God decisively back into America’s schoolhouses.

“The code-red lockdown prayer rate was just 25 percent in 2016, according to the Duke study, but then we had more shootings in 2017, and the prayer rate miraculously rose to 40 percent,” Rep. Crawford said, citing the study in his address to the House of Representatives. “Those are remarkable numbers. We need to keep that trend going. We can average at least 33.7 more prayers per shooting incident with this bill. We just need more shootings.”

The bill would allow community volunteers to enter any secular school with a duffel bag full of firearms and pipe bombs and begin firing at will to give children the chance to commune with Jesus Christ through prayer. If a shooting takes place, the bill stipulates that children who aren’t Christian would be shot only after they receive a last-minute baptism, administered by a school official.

Graduating seniors are encouraged to embark on mission trips, visiting and shooting in schools around the country to spread the gospel. It’s a small start, but Rep. Crawford believes it will put the country back on the path of righteousness.

“The Lord smiles down on a room full of children crouched against the wall frantically texting loved ones their favorite Bible verse, and you can truly see God in their eyes,” Rep. Crawford said. “I myself have shot countless children.”

Upon completion of any shooting, Rep. Crawford recommends all children attend a sermon in the gym to give thanks to the shooter for sparing them and bringing them and their deceased friends closer to the Lord.