Hero Judge: Gorsuch Saves Car from Burning Child

Newly sworn-in Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch is being hailed as a hero after risking his life to rescue a priceless vehicle from a child engulfed in flames.

Gorsuch was returning to his Georgetown townhouse after a day of oral arguments in Weaver v. Massachusetts at approximately 1 a.m. Friday when he came upon a 1995 BMW automobile trapped on the street a flaming young child inside.

That’s when the quick-thinking Associate Justice sprang into action. According to the police report, Gorsuch used a loose brick from the sidewalk to break the passenger side window. Then, without regard for his own safety, he grabbed the blazing torso with his bare hands and dragged it a safe distance away from the vintage German automobile. Witnesses told police that Gorsuch stayed with the 3 series sedan and tended to its burns for nearly 20 minutes until rescue crews arrived to put out the remaining fires on the vehicle.

The BMW was towed to Luxury Auto Repair of Alexandria, VA, where is it expected to undergo a complete restoration. Gorsuch was later taken to George Washington University Hospital and released after being treated for lacerations and minor burns. After determining that the smoldering child no longer posed a threat to neighboring property, DC Fire and EMS personnel allowed the corpse to harmlessly burn itself out on the curb.

“I was just in the right place at the right time,” said Gorsuch, adding that he merely did what anyone would have done in his situation. “I only wish I had gotten there sooner, before the smell of burnt hair and flesh could seep into the custom leather seats. My thoughts and prayers are with the owner at this difficult time.”

When reached for comment, the vehicle’s owner, pharmaceutical lobbyist Gary Kulder, expressed gratitude to the conservative jurist for rescuing the classic car before it suffered irreparable damage.

“Windows can be repaired, an auto body can be detailed and repainted, but there are some things money can’t replace – like the manufacturer’s original inlaid walnut trim,” said a relieved Kulder.

Kulder intends to seek damages from the burning child’s family as soon as authorities are able to identify the remains.

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