“Finally, truly pure water for the people of Flint.” —Archbishop of Detroit.
The Archdiocese of Detroit has unveiled a new spiritually ordained water sanctifier specially designed to morally cleanse the tap water of the residents of Flint, Michigan. The new sanctifiers, designed and produced by papal plumbers to the highest Vatican standards, were displayed at a news conference held by Archbishop Vernon Howells and attended by local officials and community leaders eager for relief from the water crisis that has gripped the city for years.
“For too long, the people of Flint have relied on the foolishness of man’s knowledge to protect them from impure water. But thanks to these water sanctifiers, no more,” said the archbishop, noting that the patented triple-blessed theology in the sanctifiers is rated by church officials to remove 99.9 percent dangerous lies and temptation placed in the water by Satan.
The technology behind the sanctifier is a plastic housing that fits over most standard household faucets. The water passes through an empty chamber and then releases the water out the other end unfiltered in any way. What makes it work, according to the Archdiocese, is a manufacturing process in which a specially ordained church deacon stands over each filter on the assembly line and makes a sign of the cross.
The church has pledged more than $4 million to manufacture and distribute the sanctifiers in the Flint area, with a concerted effort to prioritize families with young children. “Growing children are especially vulnerable to the effects of sin-contaminated water,” said the archbishop.
The archdiocese expressed further hope that the new sanctifiers will help purify Flint as a whole and prevent poisoning by exposure to envy, greed, lust and wrath, which he says have strained the city’s relationship with Jesus Christ in recent years. “Let no one say Our Lord has abandoned Flint,” he said.