Study: From 1 to Jesus, Mike Pence Devout Butterface

Heralded as the next step in natural science and the final step in Christian science, researchers of the University of Washington have discovered a scientific breakthrough examining our sitting Vice President. The study found and confirms that from a 1 to Jesus, Mike Pence is, in fact, a devout butterface. Scientists and researchers were baffled for some time by Pence’s Indiana composition. Researchers confirmed, working in conjunction with, that Pence’s organic compounds share a common ancestry with the Holy Spirit. Researchers explain, “By the Laws of Thermodynamics Mr. Pence is almost entirely Jesus, roughly 91%, but similar to the inability of a clam to produce a zygote that isn’t promiscuous, Vice President Pence, is still missing 9 crucial percentiles of being Jesus.” Researchers point to Isaac Newton’s theory of Universal Gravitation explaining this further, stating, “If kids go shit for glamping, are children the glamp? Scientifically no, the ionic bonds from the children make the glamp but not the glamp itself.” Therefore, Pence is the near-Jesus-miss, returning researchers back to their original hypothesis: How fuckable is the Vice President? In a coordinate effort with eHarmony and researchers further explain, “Many of us were divided on how much people want to fuck Mike Pence–but think of it like a goblin’s Time Machine that can go back 1 minute in time, but takes 40 seconds to turn on. Imagine if pence is the Time Machine but he powers the machine by butt-chugging strawberry wine.” With conclusive evidence researchers confirm Vice President Pence has the fuckable body of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, but not the face. (The Associated Press contributed to this story.)