Trump Wondering How He Can Work Humanity’s Fear of Spiders into All This

According to sources within the White House, President Trump has come to view exploiting arachnophobia as essential to his vision for the presidency.

Political commentators in the past noted that up to 30 percent of Trump’s tweets now consist of spider facts and pictures including 17 tweets in a row about Wolf Spiders. Suspicion was further elevated following Donald Trump’s decision to nominate an arachnologist and venom expert as Secretary of the Interior.

The unnamed White House source claims Trump has already created a spider taskforce to identify and codify spiders by size, venom and “scare factor.”

“Trump has taken a hands-on approach to this administration’s spider priorities,” said the source, who noted that the president is pressuring the EPA to protect the habitats of what he considers “especially creepy” spiders, while directing the development of pesticides that target spider predators such as bats and small birds.

Trump has reportedly also launched a “bring the spiders to the people” initiative to organically create more traumatic incidents between Americans and spiders. “Whether it’s spider postage stamps or creating facsimiles of massive webs between skyscrapers, the president is pulling out all the stops to get people even more afraid of spiders,” claimed the source.

The source also stressed that Trump’s new spider initiative would align with previous campaign promises. “The person throwing a tarantula at you when you get your license picture taken? That’s a job you can’t send to Mexico.” The source noted that Trump demanded the use of only spiders spawned in America, even in cases where more venomous and temperamental immigrant spiders could be obtained.

In a press conference earlier this week, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders denied any allegations that President Trump was stoking the public’s fear of spiders. However, she reminded all Americans to check their shoes before putting them on, as they make cozy hiding spots for spiders whose bites can kill.

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