America Celebrates New Mass-Shooting Record

Americans are celebrating the unparalleled achievement today of a historic mass shooting in Las Vegas that left 59 people dead and more than 500 others injured.

“This is a terrific day,” said Nevada Governor Brian Sandoval, who has long encouraged the people of his state to buy, sell, and shoot guns. “Nevadans are proud to have hosted this glorious exercise of our Second Amendment rights, not to mention some raw, awesome firepower.”

Sandoval added: “Some of my good friends were victims of the shooting. And I believe they’re looking down from Heaven, proud to be a part of this record-setting accomplishment.”

In Washington, lawmakers gathered at the U.S. Capitol to toast the milestone. Congressional leaders brandished their own guns and shot them skyward, hooting and cheering as chunks of plaster from the Capitol’s ceiling rained down on them like confetti. Steve Scalise (R–Louisiana), still recovering from wounds sustained in a mass shooting earlier this year in Washington, was shot in the stomach during the impromptu celebration and rushed to Walter Reed Army Medical Center.

Trump Administration spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters at the daily White House briefing this evening to rest assured knowing that new laws loosening gun regulations were in the works, but that now was not the time to politicize such an incredible event. “Now,” she said, “is a time to party.”

Sanders then repeatedly fired her M16 assault rifle into the assembled reporters, screeching like a banshee.

Meanwhile in Las Vegas, those lucky enough to witness the special event firsthand recall scarcely being aware of what was happening. Some likened the automatic rounds of gunfire to something fun, like fireworks. “I thought nothing of it at first, since I love the sound of machine-gun fire,” Harold Klasmer, 56, said from University Medical Center of Southern Nevada where he is recovering from a shot to the jaw. “I listen to it every morning at the firing range where I get a few rounds off and get my coffee.”

“At first I though it was just part of the song,” said Mary Wilkersen, 67. “I thought it was a neat idea to introduce the automatic-weapon-fire sound effect to the music. But then I realized, ‘oh my god, this is real!’ And my heart soared.” Wilkersen later died from gunshot wounds sustained at the concert.

Perhaps the proudest of all is NRA Executive Vice President Wayne La Pierre. “God has blessed America with this great shooting triumph,” La Pierre said from his home in Arlington, VA. He congratulated gun-manufacturers, whose stock prices increased sharply in the wake of the successful massacre. He went on to praise the marksmanship and sportsmanship of the lone Las Vegas gunman. “He shot folks in the proudest tradition of our country. And I’m proud to know he was an NRA member in good standing.”