Claiming the new bill will invigorate the American used-battery-dumping industry, Congress passed HR-364 today, which will transform Yellowstone National Park into the United States’ first national used-battery dump.
“Yellowstone has 2,219,791 acres of pristine, untouched dumping ground for your laptop battery,” said National Park Service Director Mike Reynolds, who noted the park’s multiple ecosystems of plateaus, deep valleys and petrified forests will offer an unique experience to anyone looking to discard a leaking car battery—no questions asked—for $20.
“Lots of folk see Old Faithful and marvel at the majesty of God’s creation,” said Congressmen Greg Gianforte (R–MT), one of the bill’s sponsors. “But really it’s a big old hole we should be stuffing with nickel-cadmium, lead, acid, and silver-nitrate runoff.”
He added: “This is a pro-business solution that will help America compete on the international stage with used-battery-dumping leaders like Haiti and Uzbekistan.”
Experts applaud the Yellowstone battery dump as a long-term solution. “As we bury heavy metals from discarded batteries and let those chemicals seep in and saturate the local Earth,” said Brad Wolcott, senior fellow at the Economic Policy Institute. “We’ll be investing in lucrative strip-mining opportunities for future generations.”
Gianforte noted that scientists have assured him the possibility of toxic runoff triggering the evolution of a race of hyper-intelligent super-bears is virtually nonexistent.