The Golden Arches are innovating again.
McDonald’s rolled out a new premium sandwich Friday that it believes can reinvigorate the franchise’s customer base, whom they believe have become more quality minded.
The McTriple Chicken Bypass features a solid wafer of seething ground meat from the backs and spines of ethically caged chickens that’s deep fried to perfection in liquid fat scraped from hog loins. Each sandwich is topped with romaine lettuce soaked in fresh pesticide and served on an bleached and re-fortified roll before the entire sandwich is fried again in industrial farm waste.
The McTriple Chicken Bypass is the first in the new Bypass line, which the fast-food giant developed with significant customer input, following trends Arby’s and KFC set with their Meat-Top Mountain Sandwich and Colonel Sanders’ Synthetic Chicken Snackers, respectively.
But McDonald’s wanted to outdo their more up-scale competitors. By offering patrons the opportunity to choose between a single, double, or triple Bypass sandwich, McDonald’s vice president Jeff Stratton believes the company pulled off a revolutionary menu item. “At the end of the day, whether it’s a chicken’s pancreas or its ground up beak, customers just want to eat, and the $3.99 McTriple Chicken Bypass is food.”
Stratton says McDonald’s will market the line as going “straight from the slaughterhouse to your mouth,” which he hopes will invite customers to stuff the food item into their digestive tracts often.
Early indications show that the market largely agrees with Stratton’s assessment. McDonald’s stock has surged since the unveiling. Online, customers have referred to the McTriple Chicken Bypass as “the worst sandwich in the world.” due to its heft, it’s odor, and its medicinal yet earthy flavor.
Stratton accepts the moniker as a testament to just how tempting the sandwich is.
“Your taste buds have never experienced arsenic-spiced meat like this before. Your body has never encountered a dehydrated meat disk that causes your liver to swell with delight over the tertiary Butylhydroquinone,” Stratton says.
“If you eat this sandwich, you will die.”
Customers can enjoy McTriple Chicken Bypass for a limited time only. The chain plans to rotate it with the McTriple Fish Flake Bypass, which the firm claims is fresh caught in only the finest oceanic dead zones created by chicken-farm sewage runoff.