‘Future of Our Species in Doubt,’ Say Leading Cockroaches

In a statement that has sent shockwaves through interspecies political circles, leading cockroaches in the areas of food salvage, brightness-level, and the foraging sciences have warned of the potential extinction of their species in the coming decades. Cockroach group leaders and mating scientists met in Geneva to discuss a wide-ranging series of issues facing their future.

“The probability of global cockroach catastrophe is high, and we have reached the point from which we may not recover,” says the statement, which was scent-marked by a majority of Alpha Kin-group sovereigns.

Those assembled agreed cockroaches, which have existed for 320 million years, cannot continue to adapt to the recent and abrupt changes in the planet’s environment. “Our ancestors evolved eating sludge from the bottom of a sulfurous lake of fire, but today, we struggle to find adequate nutrition in the dumpsters behind White Castle,” according to the statement.

Core drilling into Twinkie reserves has revealed increased levels of atmospheric toxins while data from local dumps has suggested a decline in the mineral density of processed-food scraps being consumed, a trend that has accelerated in recent decades. Depleted sewage and garbage resources coupled with landfill loss by rising seas are expected to result in mass migrations of cockroaches, inter-apartmental political conflicts, and ultimately the complete breakdown of cockroach civilization.

“We must consider the impact on our larvae and grandlarvae,” the statement urges.

Abandoning hopes of reversing environmental trends, prominent cockroaches from Silicon Valley and NASA are exploring the possibility of colonizing a small population on Mars or a nearby moon. Though void of liquid water and possibly containing toxic levels of hydrocarbon as well as intense exposure to cosmic radiation, these extra-terrestrial environments, it is believed, will be more hospitable than Earth by 2100, offering the best chance for the long-term viability of cockroach life.

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