Native Americans Strike It Rich as River Runs Black with Oil

A leak in the Dakota Access Pipeline Thursday is being hailed by natives as “a once-in-a-generation windfall of profits.” Standing Rock tribal leaders announced in a statement plans to “celebrate our land and water, which now—finally—has value.”

The leak that resulted in millions of barrels of unrefined tar-sands oil flowing into the Missouri River will lend easy access to the valuable crude for the entire Standing Rock Reservation. Some residents are even enjoying oil streaming directly through the tap into their houses.

“Its like an early Christmas for the Sioux Tribe,” tribal Chairman David Archambault said of the fortuitous event. “We thought our land and river were sacred before, but now any one of us can scoop barrels of the black gold and smear it on our bodies and our children’s bodies while we praise the Creator Spirit for this bountiful gift.”

Many protestors who tried to prevent the pipeline’s construction last year now regret their actions. Said Standing Rock protest leader Mary Bobtail, “I was wrong to protest the pipeline because now I am rich.”

Economists agree the leaked Keystone XL oil is a tremendous economic opportunity for the tribe. “If the leaks continue, the Sioux could be in a position to exploit this resource and invest in an oil pipeline of their own, transporting the second-hand crude to refineries in the Gulf of Mexico,” said Kobey Rador, an economics fellow at Sioux Falls College. “The future is bright for Standing Rock.”

TransCanada Corp., which owns the Keystone XL pipeline, plans to file a lawsuit against the Sioux demanding the return of the leaked oil and any land contaminated by it.