OPEC Lowers Price of Women

Citing pressure from its U.A.E and Saudi members, OPEC announced today it would take measures to lower the price of women.

The coalition overruled more moderate nations, who had previously agreed to value women at 89 cents to the dollar, lowering their benchmark to 65 cents per pound. The policy is expected to have an even greater impact on women of color, whose price analysts project at 59 cents.

OPEC had initially considered efforts to raise the price through inventory reduction by discarding old, unwanted caches of women, but feared the move would lead to sell-off in the market and further devalue their higher quality holdings.

Economists suggest the lower pricing will be a growth driver for the female market, bringing down costs and maximizing revenues, which they see as a boon for shareholders and consumers alike.

Investors in women’s futures remain hopeful the price will rebound, and reactions from Main Street were mixed. Bill Henson of Youngstown, Ohio said, “With two daughters who just finished college, I’ve got a lot of my money tied up in women. I took them to soccer games and fed them. A higher ROI would allow me to retire earlier, maybe buy a boat. But I guess the silver lining is any women I buy in the next few months will be very affordable.”

Financial advisors currently rate women as a Hold and warn against selling at this juncture, as outlook remains bearish until surplus exports of women from China are finally sold off or consumed. They also suggest that investors looking into commodities such as pork or corn consider adding women to their portfolio as a way to diversify and hedge fluctuations in the volatile equities market.